It is very difficult to explain, but I regularly have those low low moments telling myself that nothing is working in my life right now, and I have better run away from it or to end it.
Once I put aside my cycling trip, I am lost again as I find nothing to focus on. When life is not just about pedaling, eating and camping, it becomes very complicated.
My reflection is: I have given up my career, none of my relationships are fulfilling my soul, and I disappoint my family for being so selfish that I only wanted to travel and be free. Now I cannot see this journey is getting me anywhere either, and I keep questioning myself what is the purpose of these 5 years of wandering. I do not have the answer; or the answers have already been shown but I ignore them; or the answers are yet to come. Whatever the case maybe, at this moment I feel stuck, all the goals seem so far away to reach. If there was a restart button for my life, I would definitely press it!
People always say life is tough, and you are still learning until you take your last breath. I try hard to stay positive and not to let the frustration takes over my days. It is particularly hard when you are lacking some real friends around you who can give you guidance and support. I truly need that.
Nowadays technology brings us closer, that I can even talk to grandma on skype because she learned how to use that. However, when I am constantly moving, even though I am connected with my Facebook friends all the time, I still feel rather lonely and nobody seems really want to know me in a deeper sense.
To be honest, since I took on this nomadic lifestyle, I gradually became more and more detached from the mainstream society. For me I started to pursue something in a deeper level, more emotional and spiritual I can say. I joke about myself having an old soul, as I have experienced all the substantial things and craziness in the materialistic world in my past lives (if they existed), therefore in this life I always look pass them. However, sometimes I still find it difficult not to be tempted, after all I am just a human, though I try my best to be a better one.
Although I feel broken, and I feel not being loved, I keep telling myself that I should not beat myself down. Hopefully there will be a clear sign showing up soon to lead me back on track on finding my life purpose.
Eventually I am sure all the turmoils are worth going through, in order to see a big picture of our lives!